Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from Sunny California!

Riley and I are in the bay area with my best frister (best friend/sister for those of you unfamiliar with this term), Becky. She is getting married a week from today, and so we are helping with the last minute preparations, along with spending some quality time with her and her fiance, Joey, and his family. Becky and Joey are so cute together, and their happiness with each other and their decision to get married reminds me that marriage can be good and right and wonderful. I know this from the good times in my own experience, but it's easy to forget when your heart feels like it is covered in scar tissue.

Riley is thriving here. Everyone oohs and aahs over her, and she just eats it up. Also, Joey's family is Phillipino, and they speak to her in Tagalog. She is enthralled by the rhythm of their language...so different than what she is used to. She loves her "brown uncles" Joey and Joe and their Dad, Papa Joe. I forgot my camera cable, but if I can find one, I will post pictures of everyone here.

We still have a week here in the Bay area, and there is a lot we plan to do. Tomorrow will be spent running errands and helping Becky with some last minute things. On Sunday, Riley and I are going to drive down Highway 1 dtown o Monterey to check it out. I love going on little day trips, and I love the ocean and am looking forward to introducing Riley to it. Monterey is supposed to be beautiful, and the weather has been gorgeous, so I am really looking forward to the drive. On Monday, I am going to hang out with Joe (Joey's older brother-yes, they all have the same name) and am going to be introduced to San Francisco from the perspective of someone who grew up here. We plan on hitting some museums and city sites and getting some good food. Should be a lot of fun.

As we've been here, especially during the Thanksgiving holidays, I've had a lot of time to think about the things in my life I am thankful for. First and foremost, I am so grateful for my daughter and the wonder and awe and joy she has brought into my life. With her arrival, there was also chaos and anxiety and fear, and I'm even grateful for that because those emotions have taught me so much about myself and helped me realize that I'm stronger than I knew. I'm also so thankful for good friends and a wonderful family, who have provided love, support, an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. These people have truly been my saving grace during the last few months. I am grateful that I have a good job that I am excited to return to and that allows me to support myself and Riley. There are so many more things I am thankful for, but these certainly top the list.

There are so many good things in my life, so many blessings, that even with the hard times I'm dealing with right now, I have to look at the big picture and realize that overall, my life is very, very good. Thanks to all those who read this blog, who have provided support, positive vibes, etc. You are a huge part of the positive in this equation.

Stay tuned for pics from this week. I should be able to procure a camera cable this weekend.

Ok, all you drama queens and Lifetime TV addicts

The previous post has inspired many questions regarding what the big decision is, and it seems that many people are assuming I am struggling with trying to decide whether to try to continue in my marriage. Can I just say...

HELL to the NO!!
Nein! (german)
Nyett! (russian)
Non! (french)
Hindi! (tagalog-for you Beck and Joey)

I don't know any more ways to say it in any other language, but that is absolutely not the issue that I am struggling with. That ship has sailed a long, long time ago. So put your pretty little minds to rest, dear friends. I need that like I need a hole in the head.

But thank you for your concern.

Decisions....

Right now, I am trying to work out a huge decision. I have wrestled with it all day yesterday, all night last night, and all day today. I go one way with it, and then head back the other way. I have talked myself out of and into different choices so many times i have lost count. I feel like I am going crazy.

I am trying so hard to be patient and sit with the feelings and emotions and find the right answer. I'm trying to not act until I am sure I am doing the right thing. I'm trying to remember integrity and honesty and assertiveness and loving-kindness and karma. I am trying to remind myself that I want to be able to talk to Riley about this decision in 15 years, and be able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I know that I did the right thing. I keep reminding myself that I can trust myself to be a good mom and that I have everything I need to make the right decision for both Riley and me. To remember that whenever I have listened to my intuition, I have found the right answer and done the right thing, but when I ignore my gut feelings, I get into trouble. I keep telling myself that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

So much to think about when all I really want to do is play with my baby or go to sleep or take a bath. So I remind myself of why I am doing all of this. Why I am fighting this fight. Why I have to deal with the ugly junk in my life...and here she is.




And yes, she is worth every single bit of this, and more.

just what we needed...

It's funny how you slog away at life, waiting for a break, waiting for something to pick you up and remind you that life can be sweet and easy and enjoyable. That is what this past weekend did for me.

I often take time these days to remind myself all the ways that I am blessed, and remember how the Universe has been looking out for me. To sit quietly with my beautiful baby and feel the joy and awe and wonder that she brings into my life. This is an important thing for me to do as I recover from recent assaults and try to bring order, peace, and harmony back into our lives. Time like this past weekend are crucial in reminding me that life really is wonderful, and that it is so important to make time for those you love and those who love you back unconditionally. I was reminded that treating myself well is a critical part of healing and that I need to be as nice to myself as I am to others, that laughter truly is the best medicine and that it sometimes you have to go back to places you love to find room to breathe again. So many lessons, so much laughter, so much love, for Riley and for me. It's times like these that are just what we need.

A few pictures from this weekend.




Riley-bug and me on our condo balcony. We spent a lot of time out here, rocking on the swing, watching the boats on the lake and the sun move across the sky.



Jade demonstrated many gymnastic feats. This was the beginning of a spread eagle.



Riley got to spend time with her namesake, Aunt Becky. They are so alike in so many ways already. Spending time with my sister is so good for me. Love you, Beck. You have no idea how much I rely on you right now.



Me and my Ri. I love her so much.



Silly one of me, I know, but it was great to be surrounded by my family. Me and Riley need to surround ourselves with people who love us and everyone in this picture has been so great to us.


Shannon has given me such good advice, has listened to me talk through things, has said some really insightful things, and can predict, almost exactly, the next thing that will come up in my life. It's almost eery how dead on she has been on so many things. Plus, she loves Riley and Riley loves her. We are so lucky to have her on our team of angels. Love you, Shan.

For those of you attending the bridal shower, I will post more of the fun pics tomorrow. I am still waiting on some emails so I can truly represent what went on there.