Decisions....

Right now, I am trying to work out a huge decision. I have wrestled with it all day yesterday, all night last night, and all day today. I go one way with it, and then head back the other way. I have talked myself out of and into different choices so many times i have lost count. I feel like I am going crazy.

I am trying so hard to be patient and sit with the feelings and emotions and find the right answer. I'm trying to not act until I am sure I am doing the right thing. I'm trying to remember integrity and honesty and assertiveness and loving-kindness and karma. I am trying to remind myself that I want to be able to talk to Riley about this decision in 15 years, and be able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I know that I did the right thing. I keep reminding myself that I can trust myself to be a good mom and that I have everything I need to make the right decision for both Riley and me. To remember that whenever I have listened to my intuition, I have found the right answer and done the right thing, but when I ignore my gut feelings, I get into trouble. I keep telling myself that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

So much to think about when all I really want to do is play with my baby or go to sleep or take a bath. So I remind myself of why I am doing all of this. Why I am fighting this fight. Why I have to deal with the ugly junk in my life...and here she is.




And yes, she is worth every single bit of this, and more.