Happy Halloween!

Just a quick post with a few pictures of Riley in her Halloween gear. Man, she is just the cutest kid ever. Things here are going well. My sister is on her way here from California and we have a huge bridal shower slumber party planned. Should be a lot of fun, and a weekend with the girls is just what I need!









And, as a bonus, a super-cute picture of Miss Riley's little smile. Seriously, this smile makes me melt.

Self Care

The other day, i started listening to how many times people (myself included) tell each other to "take care". I'd like to think that we mean it. We want those people we tell it to to actually take care of themselves "Take care, Dad, so I can see you again this weekend". "Take care, cashier at Smith's, so you can let me into the express lane, even though I have more than 10 items". "Take care, pediatrician, so you can take care of other little ones". Take care.

How often, though, do we actually take good care of ourselves? I know that for me, I tend to take care of everyone else around me before I actually take care of myself. This isn't exactly healthy, but it's how I am. I am trying to make a change in this little habit, however, and am declaring this next year (or so) Amy's Self Care year. I realize that I have a little baby to take care of, and of course, her needs absolutely come first, but after that, I'm taking care of me. Focusing on doing the things I need to do to stay healthy: physically, mentally and emotionally. There is a part of me that thinks that this is a little bit of a selfish goal, but I've managed to shut that voice up. It's been years since anybody put me first, including myself. I think it's time.

So, in honor of this "self care year" I've been thinking about some of the things I need to do to take good care of myself and some things I want to do to take even better care of myself. These things include the basics like exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep (does this ever happen with an infant?), practicing good preventative care, finding time for myself, etc. I'm also adding things to this list that are technically not necessary for good health, but are things I consider fundamental for me to feel good about myself. These include such things as pedicures, massages, and yoga. I just feel better and more authentically me when these things happen. And finally, I've been thinking about planning a vacation for sometime next spring. I want to go somewhere I've never been to before and I'm planning on going by myself. I love to travel by myself, but I usually travel alone for professional purposes. It will be really nice to plan a vacation and do exactly what I want when I want, and I'm sure by next spring, I will need it. I'm thinking Hawaii or maybe Mexico. Somewhere I can lie on the beach and just relax. Or perhaps New York, where I can check out Museums and Broadway shows and do my own thing. I don't know what I'll decide on, but it's exciting to think about. But in the meantime, i better go to bed. Sleep is part of the self care plan that I'm really falling short in.

Late at night

It's late Saturday night, or I guess early Sunday morning now. My mom has been here today and it's been a busy day. As I said in a previous post, I am finding that there are a lot off good people willing to help me out with what I can't do myself, and once again it's been proven to me. A friend came over to help me install our closet doors (which have been missing since last Thanksgiving!) and like all household projects that I undertake, it took about 2 hours longer than expected. I didn't do much, just sat around and talked to him while he worked his handy man magic, and occasionally searched for the missing screwdriver. But lo and behold, I now have doors on my bedroom closets! YAY! One still needs to be adjusted, but that's ok. That I can live with. Unfortunately, the doors on Ri's closets are a special size that needs to be custom ordered, so I haven't been able to get them yet. Our condo is slowly coming together, after the upheaval of getting Matt's stuff moved out. Things are being put into place, moved around, sorted and purged and it's beginning to feel more like a place for just Riley and me. I got rid of anything that has negative vibes attached to it, and put some things in a box in the storage unit to deal with later. The whole place feels good. It feels healthy. It feels like us. It feels like home.

On another topic, my mom, Riley and I went shopping for a dress for Mom to wear for Becky's wedding. We got her the CUTEST outfit. Very flattering and she looks just great in it. I'm so excited for her to wear it and excited to see what else the pieces can go with for her. Now, I just have to find something to wear.

It is nice having my mom around. One of the things I am finding hardest about being "single" ( or whatever it is that I am) again is that I miss having someone around, just to talk to or bounce things off of. I spend a lot of time on the phone these days, and I'm excited to return to work. I am cherishing this time I have with Ri, but I miss the socialization, the mental challenge, and the satisfaction I find in my job. I'll be back soon enough, and I think having that back in my life will be a really good, although difficult change for me and for Riley.

Although this time and this life can be lonely and sometimes boring, I know I am doing the right thing. Every single day, the universe puts this truth out there for me in a different way, and I am becoming pretty good at reading the signs and finding this assurance. Being a single mom to Riley is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done, but it's also the best thing I can do, for both her and for me. Truthfully, it's the only thing I can do. I deserve to be treated well in a relationship, and I'd much rather not have one than not be treated like I deserve. And Riley absolutely deserves the best I can possibly give her. If I am going to be her main role model, then I want her to see one who is strong, confident, works hard, treats people well and demands that people treat her well also. Staying in my marriage wouldn't have permitted this kind of role model for Riley.

I have thought a lot about whether to address my marital problems on this blog, and I have decided that the only way to honestly and openly tell mine and Riley's story is to refer to them sometimes. I am trying to do so in a way that honors my emotions and my truths, but is still respectful of the time I have spent in my marriage and the work I put into the relationship. It may be raw and irritable at times, but my emotions are raw and irritable too. It may be angry or sad, but I feel both of those emotions very strongly right now. And although I don't feel this way now, I hope in time I can approach the relationship with a level of compassion and from a place of love and forgiveness. I have found that, for me, its crucial to dissect problems to fully understand and solve them, and I anticipate that this blog will be a way for me to dissect and evaluate the problems I am facing right now.

I guess we'll just call this FAIR WARNING: If you don't really want to hear how Riley and I are doing, I suggest you do not read this blog. If you want to hear the socially acceptable answers, you might want to stop reading now. If you want to read about our lives and our family, what's new, what we are celebrating, what's hard for us, and what we are working on, then read on, my friend. I have lived for the past few years in a situation that wasn't completely open and honest and I refuse to live that way again, even online.

And on that note, good night.

The sweetest thing

This week, Riley has begun a new little habit that just melts me. I have started rocking her to sleep in her own room, as she has begun sleeping in her crib instead of her bassinet.

When I'm rocking her, after her breathing has become slow and deep, right when she is on the edge of slumber...she opens her beautiful blue eyes and smiles right at me. Then her eyes become heavy again and sleep overtakes her. These are the moments, when we are both wrapped up in each other and I can tell she feels safe and loved...these are the moments I know I will treasure forever.

Love you, Riley-bug. Love you more than I ever thought possible.

Angels, Ikea, and the holy hand of Swen

Riley and I seem to have a team of angels looking out for us. These angels are all earthly beings, but their ability to tune in to what we might need has been nothing short of amazing.

Today, I spent hours with one of our angels wandering around Ikea. Sounds mundane, but we seriously had the best time laughing at stupid things, buying all sorts of weird stuff, and threatening to leave "ikea love notes" on certain people's cars. Jacquee just gets me, and it's so nice to have her around. Jacquee, I love you. You are the greatest. I don't have a picture of her to post, but trust me, she is one of the nicest, most sincere, most intelligent people I am lucky enough to know.

Wandering around Ikea with Jacquee got me thinking about the various angels that Riley and I are lucky enough to have in our lives. Family, friends, even casual acquaintances who are quickly becoming good friends make up this category. These are the people I can go to for help, call for a vent session, ask to babysit. You name it...if I need it, they are happy to provide.

They are the ones who took care of me and Riley when we needed it the most. One of these angels showed up in the ER when I was there with Riley, just to sit with me so I didn't have to be there alone.


Another spent all afternoon on her Saturday off hanging out with Riley and I on the unit at PCMC that she works on and swore it was fun for her :).


Yet another lets me call her and express any emotion or thought I have, with no judgment or recourse, and then gets me laughing about the holy hand of Swen (you had to be there).



There are so many more, I can't name them all, but I do want to thank all of our angels out there. I'll definitely be posting more on this subject as time goes by, but for now: Thank you. You know who you are. What you might not know is how much we love you.

Yoga Frog

Have you ever seen something and just knew you had to have it? For a lot of women, it' s a piece of clothing. For my best frister Becky, it's plaid shoes. The latest thing I've seen that I just had to have was not clothes or shoes, it was this yoga frog.

I bought this frog a few months ago and I just instantly loved it. At first, I thought I liked it so much because it reminded me of yoga, which I was quite into before my pregnancy. Then, I thought I liked it because it was so silly and made me smile. But over the last few days, I've moved the yoga frog to a prominent place in my home and I realized what it really means to me and why I love it so much. Looking at the yoga frog reminds me that life can be full of peace and humor, two things my life has been lacking for the past several months. I may have had to buy the reminder at Pier One, but having the yoga frog around gives me hope that my life will again be full of peace and good times. The yoga frog was about $25. The reminder: priceless.

New beginnings

This blog is to chronicle the journey Riley and I are on as we begin a new life as a single mom with an adorable 7 week old baby girl. I guess since Ri is only 7 weeks old, her life is technically pretty new anyway, but I certainly never imagined starting my journey into motherhood as a single mom. Life is what it is, though, and this is how it has turned out for us.

While I'm not technically divorced yet, Riley and I have been on our own since she was born. We have had some support from amazing family and wonderful friends, but the bottom line is that we have to find a way to be our own kind of family, even if it wasn't what I originally had in mind. So I'm trying to bend and flex and find a way to make this new life work for both me and for Riley.

I know things are going to be hard sometimes. I am expecting to have many long days and lonely nights, but ultimately I know that both Riley and I will be better off finding our own life and our own kind of family. But for now, here are a few shots of the baby girl who has so thoroughly gripped my heart. She makes everything I will face in the next few months completely and totally worth it.