Late at night

It's late Saturday night, or I guess early Sunday morning now. My mom has been here today and it's been a busy day. As I said in a previous post, I am finding that there are a lot off good people willing to help me out with what I can't do myself, and once again it's been proven to me. A friend came over to help me install our closet doors (which have been missing since last Thanksgiving!) and like all household projects that I undertake, it took about 2 hours longer than expected. I didn't do much, just sat around and talked to him while he worked his handy man magic, and occasionally searched for the missing screwdriver. But lo and behold, I now have doors on my bedroom closets! YAY! One still needs to be adjusted, but that's ok. That I can live with. Unfortunately, the doors on Ri's closets are a special size that needs to be custom ordered, so I haven't been able to get them yet. Our condo is slowly coming together, after the upheaval of getting Matt's stuff moved out. Things are being put into place, moved around, sorted and purged and it's beginning to feel more like a place for just Riley and me. I got rid of anything that has negative vibes attached to it, and put some things in a box in the storage unit to deal with later. The whole place feels good. It feels healthy. It feels like us. It feels like home.

On another topic, my mom, Riley and I went shopping for a dress for Mom to wear for Becky's wedding. We got her the CUTEST outfit. Very flattering and she looks just great in it. I'm so excited for her to wear it and excited to see what else the pieces can go with for her. Now, I just have to find something to wear.

It is nice having my mom around. One of the things I am finding hardest about being "single" ( or whatever it is that I am) again is that I miss having someone around, just to talk to or bounce things off of. I spend a lot of time on the phone these days, and I'm excited to return to work. I am cherishing this time I have with Ri, but I miss the socialization, the mental challenge, and the satisfaction I find in my job. I'll be back soon enough, and I think having that back in my life will be a really good, although difficult change for me and for Riley.

Although this time and this life can be lonely and sometimes boring, I know I am doing the right thing. Every single day, the universe puts this truth out there for me in a different way, and I am becoming pretty good at reading the signs and finding this assurance. Being a single mom to Riley is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done, but it's also the best thing I can do, for both her and for me. Truthfully, it's the only thing I can do. I deserve to be treated well in a relationship, and I'd much rather not have one than not be treated like I deserve. And Riley absolutely deserves the best I can possibly give her. If I am going to be her main role model, then I want her to see one who is strong, confident, works hard, treats people well and demands that people treat her well also. Staying in my marriage wouldn't have permitted this kind of role model for Riley.

I have thought a lot about whether to address my marital problems on this blog, and I have decided that the only way to honestly and openly tell mine and Riley's story is to refer to them sometimes. I am trying to do so in a way that honors my emotions and my truths, but is still respectful of the time I have spent in my marriage and the work I put into the relationship. It may be raw and irritable at times, but my emotions are raw and irritable too. It may be angry or sad, but I feel both of those emotions very strongly right now. And although I don't feel this way now, I hope in time I can approach the relationship with a level of compassion and from a place of love and forgiveness. I have found that, for me, its crucial to dissect problems to fully understand and solve them, and I anticipate that this blog will be a way for me to dissect and evaluate the problems I am facing right now.

I guess we'll just call this FAIR WARNING: If you don't really want to hear how Riley and I are doing, I suggest you do not read this blog. If you want to hear the socially acceptable answers, you might want to stop reading now. If you want to read about our lives and our family, what's new, what we are celebrating, what's hard for us, and what we are working on, then read on, my friend. I have lived for the past few years in a situation that wasn't completely open and honest and I refuse to live that way again, even online.

And on that note, good night.