The Christmas Story, according to Hallee

Hallee tells her own version of the christmas story. It's a little bit off the biblical version, but entertaining nonetheless.



And also, in honor of the Christmas season....

The Pledge of Allegiance recited by Hallee

Check out my latest toy. It's a "To Amy, With Love, From Amy" present" - a flip video recorder. I wanted an easy way to take little videos of Ri and share them with family and friends who don't see her often. Here is the first attempt. Not quite Oscar material, but still cute. Enjoy!

check out my newest blog

I have started a new blog that is more focused on me and my personal journey (get it, Stormy? Journey!) .

www.learningtowalkinheels.blogspot.com

I am still going to post to this blog very regularly but I wanted to create a blog that focuses on me, as well as the one that focuses on our family. Hope to see you there!

Some pics to hold you over...

A few wedding pics to hold you over. Much more to say, but no time to say it right now. More to come later today...

Kiss, Kiss, Love, Love,

Amy
















More to come!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from Sunny California!

Riley and I are in the bay area with my best frister (best friend/sister for those of you unfamiliar with this term), Becky. She is getting married a week from today, and so we are helping with the last minute preparations, along with spending some quality time with her and her fiance, Joey, and his family. Becky and Joey are so cute together, and their happiness with each other and their decision to get married reminds me that marriage can be good and right and wonderful. I know this from the good times in my own experience, but it's easy to forget when your heart feels like it is covered in scar tissue.

Riley is thriving here. Everyone oohs and aahs over her, and she just eats it up. Also, Joey's family is Phillipino, and they speak to her in Tagalog. She is enthralled by the rhythm of their language...so different than what she is used to. She loves her "brown uncles" Joey and Joe and their Dad, Papa Joe. I forgot my camera cable, but if I can find one, I will post pictures of everyone here.

We still have a week here in the Bay area, and there is a lot we plan to do. Tomorrow will be spent running errands and helping Becky with some last minute things. On Sunday, Riley and I are going to drive down Highway 1 dtown o Monterey to check it out. I love going on little day trips, and I love the ocean and am looking forward to introducing Riley to it. Monterey is supposed to be beautiful, and the weather has been gorgeous, so I am really looking forward to the drive. On Monday, I am going to hang out with Joe (Joey's older brother-yes, they all have the same name) and am going to be introduced to San Francisco from the perspective of someone who grew up here. We plan on hitting some museums and city sites and getting some good food. Should be a lot of fun.

As we've been here, especially during the Thanksgiving holidays, I've had a lot of time to think about the things in my life I am thankful for. First and foremost, I am so grateful for my daughter and the wonder and awe and joy she has brought into my life. With her arrival, there was also chaos and anxiety and fear, and I'm even grateful for that because those emotions have taught me so much about myself and helped me realize that I'm stronger than I knew. I'm also so thankful for good friends and a wonderful family, who have provided love, support, an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. These people have truly been my saving grace during the last few months. I am grateful that I have a good job that I am excited to return to and that allows me to support myself and Riley. There are so many more things I am thankful for, but these certainly top the list.

There are so many good things in my life, so many blessings, that even with the hard times I'm dealing with right now, I have to look at the big picture and realize that overall, my life is very, very good. Thanks to all those who read this blog, who have provided support, positive vibes, etc. You are a huge part of the positive in this equation.

Stay tuned for pics from this week. I should be able to procure a camera cable this weekend.

Ok, all you drama queens and Lifetime TV addicts

The previous post has inspired many questions regarding what the big decision is, and it seems that many people are assuming I am struggling with trying to decide whether to try to continue in my marriage. Can I just say...

HELL to the NO!!
Nein! (german)
Nyett! (russian)
Non! (french)
Hindi! (tagalog-for you Beck and Joey)

I don't know any more ways to say it in any other language, but that is absolutely not the issue that I am struggling with. That ship has sailed a long, long time ago. So put your pretty little minds to rest, dear friends. I need that like I need a hole in the head.

But thank you for your concern.

Decisions....

Right now, I am trying to work out a huge decision. I have wrestled with it all day yesterday, all night last night, and all day today. I go one way with it, and then head back the other way. I have talked myself out of and into different choices so many times i have lost count. I feel like I am going crazy.

I am trying so hard to be patient and sit with the feelings and emotions and find the right answer. I'm trying to not act until I am sure I am doing the right thing. I'm trying to remember integrity and honesty and assertiveness and loving-kindness and karma. I am trying to remind myself that I want to be able to talk to Riley about this decision in 15 years, and be able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I know that I did the right thing. I keep reminding myself that I can trust myself to be a good mom and that I have everything I need to make the right decision for both Riley and me. To remember that whenever I have listened to my intuition, I have found the right answer and done the right thing, but when I ignore my gut feelings, I get into trouble. I keep telling myself that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

So much to think about when all I really want to do is play with my baby or go to sleep or take a bath. So I remind myself of why I am doing all of this. Why I am fighting this fight. Why I have to deal with the ugly junk in my life...and here she is.




And yes, she is worth every single bit of this, and more.

just what we needed...

It's funny how you slog away at life, waiting for a break, waiting for something to pick you up and remind you that life can be sweet and easy and enjoyable. That is what this past weekend did for me.

I often take time these days to remind myself all the ways that I am blessed, and remember how the Universe has been looking out for me. To sit quietly with my beautiful baby and feel the joy and awe and wonder that she brings into my life. This is an important thing for me to do as I recover from recent assaults and try to bring order, peace, and harmony back into our lives. Time like this past weekend are crucial in reminding me that life really is wonderful, and that it is so important to make time for those you love and those who love you back unconditionally. I was reminded that treating myself well is a critical part of healing and that I need to be as nice to myself as I am to others, that laughter truly is the best medicine and that it sometimes you have to go back to places you love to find room to breathe again. So many lessons, so much laughter, so much love, for Riley and for me. It's times like these that are just what we need.

A few pictures from this weekend.




Riley-bug and me on our condo balcony. We spent a lot of time out here, rocking on the swing, watching the boats on the lake and the sun move across the sky.



Jade demonstrated many gymnastic feats. This was the beginning of a spread eagle.



Riley got to spend time with her namesake, Aunt Becky. They are so alike in so many ways already. Spending time with my sister is so good for me. Love you, Beck. You have no idea how much I rely on you right now.



Me and my Ri. I love her so much.



Silly one of me, I know, but it was great to be surrounded by my family. Me and Riley need to surround ourselves with people who love us and everyone in this picture has been so great to us.


Shannon has given me such good advice, has listened to me talk through things, has said some really insightful things, and can predict, almost exactly, the next thing that will come up in my life. It's almost eery how dead on she has been on so many things. Plus, she loves Riley and Riley loves her. We are so lucky to have her on our team of angels. Love you, Shan.

For those of you attending the bridal shower, I will post more of the fun pics tomorrow. I am still waiting on some emails so I can truly represent what went on there.

Happy Halloween!

Just a quick post with a few pictures of Riley in her Halloween gear. Man, she is just the cutest kid ever. Things here are going well. My sister is on her way here from California and we have a huge bridal shower slumber party planned. Should be a lot of fun, and a weekend with the girls is just what I need!









And, as a bonus, a super-cute picture of Miss Riley's little smile. Seriously, this smile makes me melt.

Self Care

The other day, i started listening to how many times people (myself included) tell each other to "take care". I'd like to think that we mean it. We want those people we tell it to to actually take care of themselves "Take care, Dad, so I can see you again this weekend". "Take care, cashier at Smith's, so you can let me into the express lane, even though I have more than 10 items". "Take care, pediatrician, so you can take care of other little ones". Take care.

How often, though, do we actually take good care of ourselves? I know that for me, I tend to take care of everyone else around me before I actually take care of myself. This isn't exactly healthy, but it's how I am. I am trying to make a change in this little habit, however, and am declaring this next year (or so) Amy's Self Care year. I realize that I have a little baby to take care of, and of course, her needs absolutely come first, but after that, I'm taking care of me. Focusing on doing the things I need to do to stay healthy: physically, mentally and emotionally. There is a part of me that thinks that this is a little bit of a selfish goal, but I've managed to shut that voice up. It's been years since anybody put me first, including myself. I think it's time.

So, in honor of this "self care year" I've been thinking about some of the things I need to do to take good care of myself and some things I want to do to take even better care of myself. These things include the basics like exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep (does this ever happen with an infant?), practicing good preventative care, finding time for myself, etc. I'm also adding things to this list that are technically not necessary for good health, but are things I consider fundamental for me to feel good about myself. These include such things as pedicures, massages, and yoga. I just feel better and more authentically me when these things happen. And finally, I've been thinking about planning a vacation for sometime next spring. I want to go somewhere I've never been to before and I'm planning on going by myself. I love to travel by myself, but I usually travel alone for professional purposes. It will be really nice to plan a vacation and do exactly what I want when I want, and I'm sure by next spring, I will need it. I'm thinking Hawaii or maybe Mexico. Somewhere I can lie on the beach and just relax. Or perhaps New York, where I can check out Museums and Broadway shows and do my own thing. I don't know what I'll decide on, but it's exciting to think about. But in the meantime, i better go to bed. Sleep is part of the self care plan that I'm really falling short in.

Late at night

It's late Saturday night, or I guess early Sunday morning now. My mom has been here today and it's been a busy day. As I said in a previous post, I am finding that there are a lot off good people willing to help me out with what I can't do myself, and once again it's been proven to me. A friend came over to help me install our closet doors (which have been missing since last Thanksgiving!) and like all household projects that I undertake, it took about 2 hours longer than expected. I didn't do much, just sat around and talked to him while he worked his handy man magic, and occasionally searched for the missing screwdriver. But lo and behold, I now have doors on my bedroom closets! YAY! One still needs to be adjusted, but that's ok. That I can live with. Unfortunately, the doors on Ri's closets are a special size that needs to be custom ordered, so I haven't been able to get them yet. Our condo is slowly coming together, after the upheaval of getting Matt's stuff moved out. Things are being put into place, moved around, sorted and purged and it's beginning to feel more like a place for just Riley and me. I got rid of anything that has negative vibes attached to it, and put some things in a box in the storage unit to deal with later. The whole place feels good. It feels healthy. It feels like us. It feels like home.

On another topic, my mom, Riley and I went shopping for a dress for Mom to wear for Becky's wedding. We got her the CUTEST outfit. Very flattering and she looks just great in it. I'm so excited for her to wear it and excited to see what else the pieces can go with for her. Now, I just have to find something to wear.

It is nice having my mom around. One of the things I am finding hardest about being "single" ( or whatever it is that I am) again is that I miss having someone around, just to talk to or bounce things off of. I spend a lot of time on the phone these days, and I'm excited to return to work. I am cherishing this time I have with Ri, but I miss the socialization, the mental challenge, and the satisfaction I find in my job. I'll be back soon enough, and I think having that back in my life will be a really good, although difficult change for me and for Riley.

Although this time and this life can be lonely and sometimes boring, I know I am doing the right thing. Every single day, the universe puts this truth out there for me in a different way, and I am becoming pretty good at reading the signs and finding this assurance. Being a single mom to Riley is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done, but it's also the best thing I can do, for both her and for me. Truthfully, it's the only thing I can do. I deserve to be treated well in a relationship, and I'd much rather not have one than not be treated like I deserve. And Riley absolutely deserves the best I can possibly give her. If I am going to be her main role model, then I want her to see one who is strong, confident, works hard, treats people well and demands that people treat her well also. Staying in my marriage wouldn't have permitted this kind of role model for Riley.

I have thought a lot about whether to address my marital problems on this blog, and I have decided that the only way to honestly and openly tell mine and Riley's story is to refer to them sometimes. I am trying to do so in a way that honors my emotions and my truths, but is still respectful of the time I have spent in my marriage and the work I put into the relationship. It may be raw and irritable at times, but my emotions are raw and irritable too. It may be angry or sad, but I feel both of those emotions very strongly right now. And although I don't feel this way now, I hope in time I can approach the relationship with a level of compassion and from a place of love and forgiveness. I have found that, for me, its crucial to dissect problems to fully understand and solve them, and I anticipate that this blog will be a way for me to dissect and evaluate the problems I am facing right now.

I guess we'll just call this FAIR WARNING: If you don't really want to hear how Riley and I are doing, I suggest you do not read this blog. If you want to hear the socially acceptable answers, you might want to stop reading now. If you want to read about our lives and our family, what's new, what we are celebrating, what's hard for us, and what we are working on, then read on, my friend. I have lived for the past few years in a situation that wasn't completely open and honest and I refuse to live that way again, even online.

And on that note, good night.

The sweetest thing

This week, Riley has begun a new little habit that just melts me. I have started rocking her to sleep in her own room, as she has begun sleeping in her crib instead of her bassinet.

When I'm rocking her, after her breathing has become slow and deep, right when she is on the edge of slumber...she opens her beautiful blue eyes and smiles right at me. Then her eyes become heavy again and sleep overtakes her. These are the moments, when we are both wrapped up in each other and I can tell she feels safe and loved...these are the moments I know I will treasure forever.

Love you, Riley-bug. Love you more than I ever thought possible.

Angels, Ikea, and the holy hand of Swen

Riley and I seem to have a team of angels looking out for us. These angels are all earthly beings, but their ability to tune in to what we might need has been nothing short of amazing.

Today, I spent hours with one of our angels wandering around Ikea. Sounds mundane, but we seriously had the best time laughing at stupid things, buying all sorts of weird stuff, and threatening to leave "ikea love notes" on certain people's cars. Jacquee just gets me, and it's so nice to have her around. Jacquee, I love you. You are the greatest. I don't have a picture of her to post, but trust me, she is one of the nicest, most sincere, most intelligent people I am lucky enough to know.

Wandering around Ikea with Jacquee got me thinking about the various angels that Riley and I are lucky enough to have in our lives. Family, friends, even casual acquaintances who are quickly becoming good friends make up this category. These are the people I can go to for help, call for a vent session, ask to babysit. You name it...if I need it, they are happy to provide.

They are the ones who took care of me and Riley when we needed it the most. One of these angels showed up in the ER when I was there with Riley, just to sit with me so I didn't have to be there alone.


Another spent all afternoon on her Saturday off hanging out with Riley and I on the unit at PCMC that she works on and swore it was fun for her :).


Yet another lets me call her and express any emotion or thought I have, with no judgment or recourse, and then gets me laughing about the holy hand of Swen (you had to be there).



There are so many more, I can't name them all, but I do want to thank all of our angels out there. I'll definitely be posting more on this subject as time goes by, but for now: Thank you. You know who you are. What you might not know is how much we love you.

Yoga Frog

Have you ever seen something and just knew you had to have it? For a lot of women, it' s a piece of clothing. For my best frister Becky, it's plaid shoes. The latest thing I've seen that I just had to have was not clothes or shoes, it was this yoga frog.

I bought this frog a few months ago and I just instantly loved it. At first, I thought I liked it so much because it reminded me of yoga, which I was quite into before my pregnancy. Then, I thought I liked it because it was so silly and made me smile. But over the last few days, I've moved the yoga frog to a prominent place in my home and I realized what it really means to me and why I love it so much. Looking at the yoga frog reminds me that life can be full of peace and humor, two things my life has been lacking for the past several months. I may have had to buy the reminder at Pier One, but having the yoga frog around gives me hope that my life will again be full of peace and good times. The yoga frog was about $25. The reminder: priceless.

New beginnings

This blog is to chronicle the journey Riley and I are on as we begin a new life as a single mom with an adorable 7 week old baby girl. I guess since Ri is only 7 weeks old, her life is technically pretty new anyway, but I certainly never imagined starting my journey into motherhood as a single mom. Life is what it is, though, and this is how it has turned out for us.

While I'm not technically divorced yet, Riley and I have been on our own since she was born. We have had some support from amazing family and wonderful friends, but the bottom line is that we have to find a way to be our own kind of family, even if it wasn't what I originally had in mind. So I'm trying to bend and flex and find a way to make this new life work for both me and for Riley.

I know things are going to be hard sometimes. I am expecting to have many long days and lonely nights, but ultimately I know that both Riley and I will be better off finding our own life and our own kind of family. But for now, here are a few shots of the baby girl who has so thoroughly gripped my heart. She makes everything I will face in the next few months completely and totally worth it.